Butterflies part 53
by Kksaunt1
Summary: Will Elizabeth and Jack find the strength in each other to deal with their loss?


Abigail was bundling Carrie up for a trip out of the house. She was on her way to see Elizabeth. She hadn't seen the Thornton family since the now eight week old Carrie was born. Not even Bill or Charlotte had stopped in.

A half hour later, Elizabeth heard a knock on the door. She wrapped her robe tighter around her middle and put her hair behind her ears. "Abigail? It's good to see you. Come in." Elizabeth stepped aside to let her friend in.

Abigail looked at Elizabeth's face and knew something was wrong. She noticed Elizabeth's trim waist and no sign of a pregnancy. "Oh no!" she thought to herself. She figured she would be very obviously pregnant at this point. "Elizabeth?" Elizabeth noticed Abigail looking at her stomach.

"Yes, Abigail. I lost the baby." Elizabeth sat down on the couch and stared into the fire.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know or I would have come sooner. How are you doing?"

"I've been better. I've been worse too, so I guess that's progress. I guess a part of me feels guilty because I didn't want to be pregnant at first."

"Elizabeth, you didn't cause it to happen. You know that, don't you?"

"I don't know, I guess so."

"Mama?" Caleb said as he ran in the room.

"Yes, Caleb?"

"Hi Aunt Abigail! Mama, Daddy said to tell you that he is taking me and Maddie to town."

"Ok, thank you. Caleb, make sure you listen to Daddy and stay with him."

"I will." He ran back out of the room.

"Elizabeth, how is Jack doing?"

"I'm not sure. He won't really talk about it. He just takes care of me and the kids during the day and then goes to bed and starts all over again. I've tried to talk to him but he just changes the subject."

Emmy came walking out with Jack, Caleb and Maddie. "Mama?" She raised her hands and Elizabeth picked her up. "Hi, Emmy."

"Hi Jack, how are you?" Abigail asked.

"Hi, Abigail. It's good to see you."

"You too." She could tell he was struggling, but hiding it. Pain and sadness on his face, a much more somber Jack than usual.

"Can I see Carrie?" Caleb asked.

"We really need to go, buddy. It's getting late."

"Jack, just for a minute," Elizabeth suggested. Caleb went and peeked at the baby in the blanket.

"I'm going outside with Maddie," Jack announced. He helped her put on her coat and mittens and went outside.

"She's little Aunt Abigail."

"Yes, she is," she said with a smile.

"You better go, Caleb. Daddy's waiting for you."

"Ok, bye Mama."

"Bye sweetie. Be good."

"I will."

After they were alone again, Abigail looked at Elizabeth. "I don't know what you are going through, but I have lost a child, even though he was grown. I do know, that having a husband alive when that happened might have made all the difference. I can see it on his face. He is not in a good place. You somehow need to get him to talk to you. It will do both of you good."

"Yeah. I think we need time alone together, to say goodbye. I think it's time and I know it will just get harder the longer we put it off."

"How long has it been?"

"Four weeks. The hardest four weeks of my life."

A week later, things were still the same so Elizabeth asked Charlotte if the kids could stay with her and Bill overnight. They, of course, said yes so Elizabeth got their bags ready and their coats and hats on so they were ready to go when Grandma showed up to pick them up.

"Thank you, Mom. I really appreciate this."

"Sweetheart, I will do anything for you. You're my family." She pulled her into a hug. "Now, I hope you work things out tonight. Work together. That's when you are strongest."

"Ma? What are you doing here?" Jack walked into the room.

"Picking up the kids. Slumber party at my house!"

"Yay!" Caleb jumped up and down.

"Goodnight, my dears. Love you both." She picked up Emmy and ushered everyone out the door.

"What's going on, Elizabeth?"

"We need to be by ourselves, Jack. Don't you think?"

"Why?"

She walked close to him and put her arms around his waist. "You and I have been through a lot together in the past, but we have never lost a child until now. I think we need to talk about it."

"I don't see the point. It won't bring her back." She looked at the pain on his face. She could see the tears welling in his eyes.

"Jack we need to say goodbye. We can't move on and be happy again if we don't. I'm worried that we are slipping away from each other."

He stepped back and walked to the window. "I don't know how to let go. I keep picturing her, looking just like her sisters, just like you. Playing with Caleb, saying Mama and walking for the first time. Rocking her…" Tears started falling down his cheeks. Elizabeth walked over and hugged him tightly and cried with him. "She would have been beautiful, I know it, Elizabeth. Why did this have to happen, to us, to our baby?"

She shook her head and looked up at him, her strong and handsome husband, overwhelmed with grief over their child. It was so hard to see him vulnerable.

"I already loved her," Jack said, tears still coming down.

"So did I, but I know that I have to let go or I'll never be able to." She took his hands and placed them on her tummy, holding them tight. He leaned his forehead against hers, shutting his eyes. "This is the hardest thing I've ever done," she whispered. "I can't do it without you."

He walked over to the couch to get a blanket and then they walked outside and watched the sunset. It was beautiful, as if just for them. They stood wrapped in the blanket and each other's arms, not speaking, because they didn't need to say the words to feel them in their hearts. By the time the rich colors had faded and the sky turned dark blue, they both felt at peace. They knew their little baby would always have a place in their thoughts and hearts, but for now, they had let her go.

The next morning Jack woke up and looked at his sleeping wife. He admired her, everything about her. Her strength, yet her vulnerability. Her knowledge and wisdom and yet she needed his help. The love she showed everyone, even when fighting with impossible pain and grief. He was so incredibly happy she chose him over the life she could have had, especially when this life wasn't easy.

She opened her eyes and saw her handsome husband. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You're just laying there staring at me?" He nodded.

"I can't help it." Her cheeks turned pink.

He hesitated to kiss her. He wasn't sure if she was ready to be together after only five weeks, on the other hand it had been five weeks. Truth be told, he didn't know if he was ready either, but he missed her.

She wondered why he was hesitating. She missed him so much, maybe he was waiting for her to be ready. "Jack?"

"What?"

"What are you waiting for?" She touched his jaw with her fingertips.

"I didn't want to rush you if you weren't ready. I mean, are we ready for what could happen?"

"You mean getting pregnant again?"

"Or losing…." He didn't want to say the words, they were still so real and raw.

"I'm ready, because I know I have you with me. I mean, I'm not naïve enough to think we couldn't lose another baby, but I also want to be in a positive frame of mind to think we could have another baby at some point. Is it too soon for you, Sweetheart? Do you want to wait?"

"I don't know. I'm going to make a fire. It's cold in here." He started to get up but she grabbed his arm.

"I'm perfectly warm. Stay with me, Jack."

"Aren't the kids going to be back soon?"

"No, not until after lunch. We have time." She looked at him. She had never seen him so nervous to be close to her. "Hey, it's ok if you don't feel it's the right time."

"I miss you Elizabeth."

"I miss you too, sweetie." She snuggled into his chest and closed her eyes. He held her for a moment and then rolled away to get up.

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, do you want me to help?"

"No its ok. I'll make it." He left the room and went to make breakfast. Elizabeth got up and put her robe on. She walked into the kitchen and filled up the pot to make coffee. She put it on the stove and looked at Jack.

"I love you." She touched his arm, getting his attention.

"I know. I love you too."

"Look at me, Honey." He turned. "Its ok." His eyes always gave away his feelings. She could see he was scared and she completely understood. The past few weeks had been the most painful experience, emotionally and physically, that she had ever had before. She knew it could happen again but she was fighting to move past it. She knew he was with her and they could get through whatever happened, but maybe he wasn't so sure, so she was being extra patient with him. "What are you making us?" She changed the subject, hoping to lighten the mood.

"Eggs and sausage. Do you want toast too?"

"Sure. Thank you." She kissed his cheek and went to sit at the table.

When he finished making breakfast, he brought the food over and sat next to her. "I think I'm going to go back to work next week."

"Ok. Did you already put in your request?"

"No, I wanted to tell you first. I thought after everything that happened, you might not be ready for me to go back."

"I appreciate that, Jack, but I think If you want to go back, you should."

"I do."

"Ok." The rest of the meal was silent. Elizabeth was wondering if he really wanted to go back, or was he needing a distraction? She got up and took her plate to the sink to wash it. She had to know. "Sweetie, are you going back because you want to or are you trying to distract yourself?"

"From what?"

"Me, the past few weeks, our life. I just feel like you're still not telling me everything." She turned to look at him. He was sitting and staring at her.

"That mind reading thing you do, can be kind of annoying sometimes," he said with a half smile.

She raised her eyebrows and smiled. "So I'm right?"

"Yes, you are."

"So?"

"What?"

"Why are you really going back?"

"I guess I hoped that it would help me move on."

"From the baby?" She hoped that's what he meant.

"Yes, of course. Get back to my normal routine, that sort of thing."

"Thank goodness!" she thought to herself. She walked over and went for his plate. He grabbed her hand.

"What else would I be moving on from?"

"What?"

"I said I hoped it would help me move on and you asked if I meant from the baby. What else would I have meant?" She looked away, embarrassed.

"I don't know."

"Now you're not telling me something. Come here." He pulled her onto his lap. "Did you think I meant you?"

"I guess a small part of me did."

"Elizabeth. Really? After all this time?"

"I don't know. It was silly."

"It was. I will never want to move on from you. You are stuck with me." He touched her cheek and stared at her lips, wanting to kiss her so badly. His lips almost had a mind of their own.

"You think I'm silly, Constable?" She pretended to be offended.

"Yes and so beautiful."

"I guess I forgive you since you threw the beautiful comment in there." She got up and adjusted her robe. "Are you done with your plate?"

"Yes, thank you." She took his plate and started washing it. She felt his arms wrap around her waist and his lips find her neck.

"Um sweetie? You are making this very difficult." She giggled as he continued his kisses. "Jack? What are you doing?" she giggled again as she turned around.

"I thought it was pretty obvious." He untied her robe and slipped his arms underneath, loving the silky nightgown she was wearing.

"Mama! We're home!" Caleb said as he ran in the kitchen, Maddie following closely.

Charlotte and Emmy walked in a second later.

Elizabeth looked at Charlotte and quickly tied her robe as her cheeks turned pink. "I thought you were coming home after lunch, Mom."

"Sorry. They kept asking to come home, so I brought them. I see things are ok here."

"Ma," Jack said as his cheeks turned pink.

"I'm going. Bye babies. Grandma loves you. Give me kisses." She bent down to give them all hugs and kisses and then smirked at Jack and Elizabeth.

"That woman and her impeccable timing. Imagine if she had come a few minutes later," Jack whispered with a kiss to her cheek.

"Jack!" Her cheeks colored again.

"I'm just saying, that could have been a whole lot more embarrassing."

"Jack! Shhh. There are children in the room."

"They don't know what we are talking about, right Caleb?"

"What Daddy?"

"See," Jack said with a smile. "No clue."

Elizabeth bent down to pick up Emmy. "Come on baby girl. Mama needs to feed you." She was very glad for the excuse to leave the room and yet, she enjoyed having her husband back to his old self. She sat on the couch and snuggled with Emmy as she ate, covered in a blanket, watching the fire. "Did you have fun at Grandma and Papa's house?" Emmy looked at her and smiled, showing the dimple in her cheek and then she sat up and stopped eating. "Dada?" Elizabeth looked around her.

"Where's Dada?"

"Dada?" She said again as she pointed.

"Are you done eating?" She nodded. "Ok." She pulled her robe shut and put Emmy on the floor. "Go find him." She watched as Emmy toddled off to find her Daddy. He had taken the other kids to the porch swing. It was chilly out but they loved to hear his stories.

Elizabeth followed Emmy out and stood in the doorway to listen.

"Daddy, why are you wearing a necklace? I thought only girls wore them," Caleb wanted to know.

Jack pulled the necklace and the ring from under his shirt. "Mama gave it to me."

"Why?" Caleb asked again.

Jack picked up Emmy and put her on his lap. "Dada!" Emmy said as she put her hands on Jack's face, kissing him with a slobbery mouth.

"Hi Sweetie. This ring was my Daddy's ring."

"Papa?"

"No, not Papa Bill. My Daddy. He died when I was a little older than you."

"Oh. I'm sorry Daddy."

"That's ok buddy. He was a Mountie too. Your Grandma gave him a necklace to wear his ring under his uniform so it wouldn't get lost while he was working. Mama liked that idea, so she gave me a necklace too."

Elizabeth stepped out and picked up Maddie so she could sit down next to Jack. "Daddy told me that he wears the ring close to his heart, just like us. We are always in his heart." She looked at him and smiled.

"That's right. No matter where I am, you are all with me. I'm always thinking about you."

"Even baby Hanna?"

Jack smiled and touched Caleb's face. "Of course. Always." Elizabeth sighed and put her head on Jack's shoulder. He kissed her forehead.

Emmy leaned over to Elizabeth. "Mama," she said with a whimper, trying to open Elizabeth's robe.

"Now you're hungry?"

"She wasn't before?"

"No, she wanted you. She kept saying Dada and pointing. Maddie, can you sit on Daddy so I can feed Emmy, please?" Maddie scooted over and Elizabeth laid Emmy down to feed her. Before long, the rocking of the swing put Maddie and Emmy to sleep.

"Daddy, can we go to town? I want to see Aunt Abigail and baby Carrie." Jack looked at Elizabeth and raised his eyebrows. Elizabeth shrugged.

"Ok, for a little bit."

"Yay! Can I ride Sargeant with you?"

"Sure." He kissed Elizabeth's cheek. "I'll go put Maddie in her crib."

"Thank you. Say hi to Abigail and Carrie for me."

"I will. Love you."

"Love you too. Oh hey," she said as he was walking off. "I was thinking of taking a nap too. Too bad you won't be here to join me," she said with a wink.

His face showed a look of disappointment as he figured what she meant. "Caleb, are you sure you don't want to just stay here?"

"No! Let's go." He pulled Jack's hand, dragging him to the door. Elizabeth smiled and went to put Emmy down.

Yes, back to normal. Normal never felt so good.


End file.
